Fucking Ball sac.

Fuck. I'm done posting on here. I just wanted to let anyone know incase I have followers. I am too busy nowadays with babysitting, and working at my dad's shop and what not. On top of that, I'M GOING FOR MY LEARNERS PERMIT ON WEDNESDAY OR THURSDAY! I am so excited. I've been studying my book like every day. But I got like 20 questions wrong out of 150. I heard they only have 20 questions on the test, and you can only get 2 wrong. So hopefully I get the questions that I know. i fucking hate reading the stuff i post on the subject i was posting about. It makes me so mad. But I've been doing a lot of stuff lately that I have been taking my mind of it. I seem to be so pissed at everyone who Isn't Maddy, Morgie, or Babe. I just have the shortest temper with everyone besides my nieces. Its weird. Anyway Bye everyone. Enjoy your life. Sorry if i sound pissed. Its just because for no reason, I am.

Not going to be posting every day now.

I was going to be posting every day. Even though it doesn't seem like much, blogging actually takes a bit of time. And I'm sort of busy now a days. I baby sit my sisters kids a lot, i have a job of my own, and i leave the house a lot more now. So I'll probably post every other day. I don't know. I'm not going to have a schedule. I'll post whenever i get the time.

I'm starting to get more comfortable with my weight. While I do want a flat stomach, its really too much stress and too much work the way I do it. Plus, it hit me that you only get one body. You only get 2 kidneys. You only get one heart. You only get one stomach, etc. So why treat it horribly? Before, my mindset was (and still is) "Oh I don't care if i die". BUT, what if i don't die? What if it just shuts down my kidenys? What if it just gives me digestive problems for life? It really isn't worth all those side effects. So I'm seriously trying to eat healthily. Yesterday was a great normal day. I had 3 solid meals. I was happy. Today i am eating A LOT, but not out of depression or anything. I'm on vicodin, and like 2 other pills for my wisdom teeth that i just got out and the dentist told me that it will leave me feeling hungry all the time, and that i should eat whenever I'm hungry but not over do it. So, i'm following the instructions. Whenever I'm hungry i eat. I've eaten a bunch today but I'm okay with it :)

I have stitches in every corner of my mouth. I have stitches in my lip because it busted open very deeply when they put the stretcher thing in my mouth.

My mom took a video of me recovering. I was singing Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. It was pretty funny. Then i took a napkin and rubbed my face all over it, then hung it on a coat hanger and started at it, amazed. My mom was like "Is it pretty?" And i answered "SO PRETTTY!" those videos are seriously so hilarious. My mom said i was grabbing her face and nose and i was like "oooh whats this?!" and when she said her nose, i didnt believe her. Then i started pouting then laughing. it was weird. But I'm going back to sleep now. I'll probably post again tomorrow since I won't be doing anything!

Yesterday:

7 Month Old Maddy

I was going to post again yesterday, but my niece came over and I had to watch her for 5 hours. She's only 7 months old and she needs to be watched 24/7 so I was too tired to post once she went home. Anyway, yesterday was another day where i ate a bunch of crap. But today i don't feel fat and I plan to keep it that way, so I am not going to eat anything. I'm really hungry already. I love the feeling of being hungry, and I love telling my body that it can't have the food it craves. Sounds dumb but whatever. I'll update later in the day, it probably won't be much.  I'm going to visit my grandma in the hospital later. She had to have surgery because she was bleeding internally. And that is really all I have to say. 

Going to try hard today.

Today I'm going to try my best to eat normally. So far I already had a can of Minestrone soup with 2 garlic bread sticks, and a fun size kit kat bar. Altogether that is about 500 calories. I'm going to try to get a solid 1,200 calories today. I feel like I don't have the right mind set today. I want to eat normally but I feel like its going to be another binge day. I'm reading a book called Fever 1793 (..great book..) to keep myself busy, but my mind drifts off to food. I'm constantly thinking about when I can eat next, If i even should eat, what I should eat. It is only going on 12 AM. I didn't get to sleep until 5 in the morning and i woke up at 10. I'm going to try to swim all day and ride my bike because I don't have to work today, which usually keeps me well occupied. Well lets see how today goes. I'll be updating later in the day. I'd start adding pictures to my blog but i can't find my camera charger, so we'll just have to make do. Don't forget to come back later today to see how it turned out!

Whats new:

This is how i looked on Easter. 

This is the more personal part of my blog. I will be posting about random stuff daily.

   First off, lets get the bad stuff out first. I am disgusted with myself. I ate and ate and ate today and couldn't stop. People always say to others, "Just stop, it can't be that hard." But it is. Its so hard. I put myself on a strict diet of 700 calories. Women, especially teens, aren't supposed to go under 1,200. But here is what happens. I eat an orange in the morning to keep the cravings away, and that will be all i eat that day. I usually do that for a week. But then, maybe one day I eat an orange and a couple crackers. Then i feel like i lost control  because I had forbidden myself to eat anything else. Then my mind goes to "I already blew it, might as well go full force." Then i literally eat. and eat. and eat. I'm not talking here and there, I'm talking about non stop eating. Here is what i ate today, and I am not proud.:
 
        2 cups of mint ice cream, 3 kit kat bars, a butt load of chips, a whole jar of hummus and like 50 crackers, 3 pickles, 3 bowls of cookie crisp with almond milk, 2 handfuls of skittles, 2 butterscotch krimpets, 50 more crackers, some grapes, some naked juice, some vegetable soup, and 4 oreo cookies. My stomach was so full and like 4x the size of what it normally is. I might start posting pictures to scare myself out of doing it. Then i attempted to throw up but all that came up was ice cream and cereal. I went from 103 lbs in the beginning of May to 123 now. My new clothes that i got in May were all extra small and i dont fit them anymore. I actually hate myself. And since I know nobody reads this crap, I'll just say that i plan on not eating for the next 3 days. Enough of that crap now.

        I have 3 new 'nieces' which are technically my second cousins but my sister is fostering them I guess. She might be keeping them, I don't know. There is baby Maddison AKA Maddie. She is 7 months old. She is the most adorable baby I have ever seen. Then there are Mackenzie AKA Babe, 2 years old, and Morgan AKA Morgie, 3 years old. I have only visited them twice and I love them. My sister's boyfriend's son, Derrick, helped me fold wash all day and then we played with the kids on Monday. They look like twins. They have long golden blonde angel curls and bright blue eyes. Before I left, they gave me a hug. Ah, I miss them. Yeah I'm just rambling on about my life because I usually never talk to anyone about this crap.

    My Grandma went to the hospital today. Shes not doing so swell but I'm not worried because shes a strong woman. I know she'll be fine.

    I only met this one kid two times, and this may be because I haven't been in contact with a dude in like 2 years, but whenever i think about him i get a small case of 'butterflies'. I don't know. hes just so nice and not awkward at all. And hes funny. I don't know.
 
      Yeeeuuuup thats all I'm posting for now.The picture is how i looked in April, I know its gross. But i wish i still looked like that.